THE DIRTY DOZEN
THESE ARE NOT ACTIVE LISTENING!
1. Commanding, ordering or directing
Telling the individual to do something, giving an order or command (i.e., "You've got to call your parents, so they'll know you are safe").
2. Warning or threatening
Telling the person that consequences will occur if he or she does something (i.e., "You had better…" or "If you don't then…").
3. Moralizing or preaching
Telling the person what he or she should do, ought to do, or has the responsibility to do.
4. Advising, giving solutions or suggestions
Telling the person how to solve his or her own problems (i.e., "Why didn't you try expressing your feelings to your friends more?" or "Have you tried…?").
5. Lecturing, teaching or persuading with logic
Trying to influence the teen with facts, counter-arguments, logic, information, and your own opinion (i.e., "Look at it this way…" or "What happened to me was…" or "Yes, but…").
6. Judging, criticizing or blaming
Making a negative judgment or evaluation of the person or of what he or she is saying (i.e., "That's crazy!" or "You're not thinking straight").
7. Praising or agreeing
Offering a positive evaluation or judgment (i.e., "That's a nice thing to do" or "Well, I think you're pretty").
8. Kidding, teasing, making light of, joking or using sarcasm
Making a person feel foolish or unimportant (i.e., "When was the last time you read a newspaper?" or "Why don't you burn down the school?").
9. Analyzing or diagnosing
Telling the person what his or her motives are and analyzing why the person is doing something. Communicating that you have the person figured out by playing Junior Psychologist (i.e., "You're just jealous" or "Your problem is…" or "I had a psychology class that talked about abnormal behavior" or "You seem to have latent homosexual tendencies").
10. Sympathizing, controlling, reassuring or focusing
Trying to make the individual feel better or talking a person out of his or her feelings (i.e., "You'll feel better tomorrow" or "Don't worry…everybody has bad days").
11. Probing, questioning or interrogating
Asking reasons, motives, causes, filling in the silent spaces by asking questions involving the following: (i.e., "Why do you suppose…?" or "What did you friends say when…?" )
12. Diverting, avoiding, shifting or distracting
Trying to get the person away from the problem or withdrawing from the person and problem yourself (i.e., "That reminded me of the time…" or "Well, how do you get along with other people?").
"My little girl had grown into a complete stranger. I couldn't talk to her, she wouldn't
listen to me and she screamed that she hated me. One day she was gone. We found her
and then we found Project Return, where she lived until she was able to find herself.
In the process, I found my daughter again. If the door had not been open at the house
on North Compo, she might be wandering the streets of New York, or worse."
Mother of past resident of Project Return's Residential Program